he who has eyes...

“Run in such a way as to get the prize.” [1 Corinthians 9:24]

Even as I said these words to him, I knew that I didn’t even believe them myself. I was talking to a man in my church who had been discouraged recently (and throughout life, really) about his lack of impact and what he felt like has been an unfulfilling life. He felt like he was just in another endeavor that wasn’t really getting him anywhere, and he wasn’t getting any younger. I was trying to encourage him by telling him what God thought of him and by encouraging him to run the race as if to win — despite what sort of trial he finds himself in.

None of it really seemed to sink in much. But, it did with me.

I’ve found myself in many positions in life with an opportunity to win. God has blessed me in so many ways it’s hard to count, and with these blessings come opportunities to succeed. And, I guess I do succeed in many ways, but not in the ways that I desire to. Not in a way that makes me proud. And, although I know my Father sure is proud of me, I don’t necessarily feel like He is as proud as He would be if I would just run in such a way as to win. I find myself in almost every circumstance putting forth just enough effort to get by, and I don’t always succeed at even doing that.

I couldn’t tell you the last time I actually took hold of some desire of my heart and really ran with it as if to win. I couldn’t tell you the last time that I put forth enough effort to actually be able to say that in the end “I tried as hard as I could.” But, I could sure tell you countless times in which my effort was just enough to get by and this lack of effort caught up to me in the end.

High school scholastic bowl, senior year, Farmington High School, sectional championship, down by one point with one question left. I knew the answer was gallium. I had it written on my paper. I was certainly not buzzer-shy (doesn’t this all sound so nerdy!) in this particular round. But, for whatever reason, I could not be confident enough to shoulder the entire season myself.

Honors senior thesis, senior year, Drake University. I had an independent study to do this project (60-ish page paper, possibly published, with a talk to accompany) my fall semester, and I didn’t work on it a bit all semester. So… it got pushed off to my final semester. I didn’t work on it all semester until my final weekend before graduation. I was in Denver presenting research I did with the physics department (which itself was a project carried on half-effort for 2 years), and I found myself in the hotel room frantically filling pages hoping to come to some sort of conclusion. It was nothing to be proud of, and Dr. Wellman gave me a B- out of pity, though he thought I didn’t even deserve to pass.

Doctoral research, third-year of graduate school, The University of Chicago. I couldn’t get myself to put enough effort into research in graduate school for three straight years with three different research groups. I eventually quit because I couldn’t handle doing something that I didn’t enjoy and getting absolutely nothing accomplished in such a large amount of time. For all this effort, I got cited in an acknowledgement once.

Oh, I could go on.

It’s a pattern in my life. Get placed in some sort of position with an opportunity to really succeed (at least by earthly standards) and I lack the confidence, desire, effort, determination, focus, and will to run the race with any sense of urgency and as if to win the prize.

And, it’s not just with these sorts of things. My ministry life is just the same. I get some position of authority and I just sit on it, coasting through life as always. Although this is something that is really meaningful to me, it doesn’t affect my attitude.

In his book Chasing Daylight, Erwin McManus calls this the Pomegranate Dilemma (referring to the story of Saul’s lack of motivation to conquer the Philistines despite God’s prompting, leading to his resting under a pomegranate tree, found in 1 Samuel 14). We fear losing what we’ve gained. We fear failure. We fear having the responsibility on us. We fear responsibility itself. And so, we become spectators on the sidelines, looking at others do wonderful things with their lives and wondering what they possess that we don’t. And, as McManus puts it: “It’s not about talent or giftedness or intelligence; it’s about moving out of passivity into activity.” (p. 50-51)

As a culture, we are infected with the idea that failure is not an option, and so we don’t even try anymore. It’s an entire nation, an entire world, filled with people who aren’t in the game and really, when it gets down to it, don’t want to be in the game. Passivity is rampant. We aren’t running the race as if to win the prize, we’re hardly running the race at all.

So, what is the prize, you ask? I don’t know, that depends on who you ask. It could be our heavenly rewards (”store up for yourselves treasures in heaven” [Matthew 6:20]). It could be His favor and His being proud of us (”Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!” [Matthew 25:23]). It could even be communion with God Himself (”One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.” [Psalm 27:4]).

And when my own passivity starts to affect winning this prize, well maybe then I begin to take notice.

To me, I love to know that God is pleased with me. I love to know that He is pleased with my effort — that I take the things He has entrusted me with and cared for them responsibly. So many times, I fail at this, and I just expect that next time will be better. But, a runner doesn’t just go out and start running and expect to succeed (unless he is, of course, Forrest Gump). Runners train. And, we are called into this regiment as well in our race.

Following Paul’s exhortation to run the race as if to win the prize, he continues by saying “everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training.” [1 Corinthians 9:25] Runners don’t run unprepared. We are called to live these lives with which we have been blessed with a discipline that follows from training in the Lord. This should mean putting your faith into action, spending time learning the Word, spending time with the Lord in prayer, fasting, or whatever.

And, I expect to somehow transform myself into someone who tries my hardest, someone who is active, someone who is confident, and to do this all without a strict training? It’s absurd, really. My devotional life is often little more than a quick skim through a chapter and an observation about what God thinks about this thing or that thing I see throughout the day. I don’t have much of a devotional life. I don’t have much of a prayer life. I don’t have much of a life.

No, I’m not running the race as if to win the prize. But, there’s a lot of race left, and with God’s leading, maybe I can still catch up.